Tired of regular poop? You’re in luck. Just pop one of these gold pills and number two will be all sparkly and gold. Because you deserve to feel like a Golden God.

This ‘Sleepy Time’ earpiece was designed to keep you awake if you started to nod off while driving. Seems okay enough, until you learn it was made for drunk drivers as well. Not cool, ‘Sleepy Time’ inventors.

These Ice Breakers Packs were hilariously discontinued because they looked too similar to small baggies of cocaine and heroin.

Need to pick up groceries, but also afraid you might get a concussion in the process? Check into buying a Grappa Eco Shopping Bag. Boom, problem solved

If you absolutely cannot stand to look at your sidekick’s butt, protect your eyes with the Rear Gear. sticker

Feel like being an asshole 30,000 feet up in the air? The knee defender has your back. It makes it so the person in front of you can’t lean their seat back. That’ll teach those random flyers to assume they can enter your space like every other passenger

The Joena face corset mask is designed to slim your face like a regular corset does for your waist. It also doubles as a creepy torture mask. Collect the whole set!!

Cheetos are fun to eat, but rubbing the flavor all over your lips? Sign us the f*ck up!

Zippo perfume was discontinued after some people thought it actually contained butane. Imagine that! What IDIOTS. It clearly says ‘perfume’ in really small print on the package

Give a gift that shows your S.O. you care – a chocolate plaster of your anus.

Eyelid trainers are Japanese products that claim to give eyelids a more Western look. I’ll leave it at that.

F-Cup’s creators boast about their product’s ability to enlarge breasts, but it hasn’t been proven. We’ll be the judge of that…

If smiling 24/7 is something you don’t think people will find utterly creepy, check into buying a beauty smile trainer. Because happiness isn’t just a way of life, it’s a Goddamned requirement.

Psychedelic PEZ dispensers were popular back in the 60s, and were designed to aid in LSD consumption. How could that go wrong?

There are creams made from the foreskins of babies — no, seriously. Oprah Winfrey even endorsed them.